


greedy for that feeling

by JudeAraya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Affirmation, Firsts, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Rimming, Smut, face fucking, loving face fucking?, the troll in dan's brain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:00:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28129536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeAraya/pseuds/JudeAraya
Summary: Learning to love Phil was like a trust fall: terrifying but necessary and ultimately, exhilarating. Together, they’re learning how to talk, how to give each other what they need, and how to ask for and share desires they’ve never shared or experienced before.“It’s okay if sometimes you aren’t sure because you’re scared.”“I can be scared with you, right?” Dan forced himself to ask.“Yeah. Always,” Phil said.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 34
Kudos: 97





	greedy for that feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rawritsamehh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawritsamehh/gifts).



> Written for a phandom gem, [rawritsamehh](https://rawritsamehh.tumblr.com/). Amy seems to always be there first; she cheerleads and comments and reblogs and supports and is just so, so kind. Happy birthday lovely human!

“Hey, you. What’s happening in there?” 

Dan twitched his head away from where Phil was knocking at it. “Oi, watch it, you’ll damage something!” 

Phil rolled his eyes“C’mon, Dan what’s up?” 

“Nothing,” Dan said. He hated how petulant his voice got, and he hated, kinda, that Phil could like, just _tell_ that there were a lot of thoughts scrambling through his brain. Dan was discovering that being so _seen_ by someone was wonderful and awful. Phil was the perfect storm of ‘be careful what you wish for’ and ‘wow, dreams do come true.’ And Dan was...well he was a mess. Letting himself be seen by Phil was like a trust fall. He’d never done that shit because that’s how you got hurt. 

Loneliness though? Loneliness was worse than fear. Dan knew how to be afraid. He’d been afraid for a very, very long time. Fear was a companion at this point. Dan knew how much fear he could handle. He’d been equally as lonely as afraid for a long time, and yet, Dan’s stupid, needy heart hadn’t mastered surviving with it. Phil, who was too perceptive and too stubborn to let Dan get away with this kind of shit, wouldn’t let Dan be lonely. He never had, not yet. Dan couldn’t imagine feeling lonely with Phil. 

An hour ago Phil had been writing a declaration of love in the snow; the truth of each letter willingly etched into Dan’s heart. He hadn’t minded the cold, or the wet, or the dark. Not lying hand in hand lying in the snow with Phil and watching the stars. 

Not in that moment at least. 

They’d come home and showered and dressed and snuggled into Phil’s bed, tangled up and comfortable, Buffy—always Buffy—on in the background. In that time of separation Dan had crossed a liminal space, a threshold where _Dan and Phil_ , in love in a pile of snow being stupid boys, existed as separate from the rest of the world. Now they were back in the rest of the world and Dan was back to being stupid, insecure, self-sabotaging Dan. 

With Phil he hadn’t been afraid of the dark, or the shadows of the trees. Now, though, he felt that fear echoing, a vibration in his muscles he couldn’t shake. Dan wanted to ask Phil if they could sleep with the lights on. Which was so _stupid_. 

That was just the first of many stupid thoughts Dan was having. 

Reading Phil’s words in the snow, there hadn’t been room for anything but how _good_ Phil made Dan feel. The doubts, the insecurity—they’d only come rushing while Dan shivered and thawed under the warm water of the shower. All it took was a brief separation from Phil for Dan to begin to wonder what exactly it was that Phil loved. Was it possible to be loved, or seen, when his whole life was a performance that kept him safe from being seen? Only...Dan did think he let his guard down, with Phil. Like, when his stupid brain would actually _shut up_. Which it wouldn’t, during his shower, when it became too easy to feel afraid, and worthless, and terrified of being hurt. 

“Dan,” Phil said, softly, bringing Dan back out of his thoughts. The episode of Buffy was over. He’d withdrawn himself from Phil’s arms at some point. Phil squeezed his hand. “C’mon, talk to me.” 

Dan looked into Phil’s eyes, took a deep breath, and let go. _This is Phil_. Dan squeezed Phil’s hand back, _Phil wouldn’t lie to me_. 

Whatever Dan thought of himself, he knew Phil. Phil had never been anything but honest with Dan. He wasn’t afraid to tell Dan to calm down, or to point out ways Dan could improve his videos or even to gently try to redirect Dan’s perceptions about how awful he was or how other people hated him. How his family didn’t like him or love him. Phil never invalidated Dan’s feelings but was also always willing to help Dan see how maybe, maybe, he wasn’t as alone as he thought. 

Even if he was alone in a lot of ways, he was never alone now that he had Phil. Not that Phil said that part. Dan just knew that, once the freaking self-sabotage goblin in his brain hobbled back into the dark corners of his mind. 

“Can we sleep with the lights on?” Dan blurted.

Phil’s smile was crooked and fond. “Yeah, of course. Was that it? You’re all in here for that?” Phil poked his head again. 

Dan bit his lip. It would be so easy to say yes and ignore the rest. 

The thing was...Phil had wanted to be in love so much, for a long time. 

“Phil, do you….do you think—” He huffed out a breath and steeled himself. “Do you think you really love me? _Me_ , me? Or like…” 

“Dan,” Phil interrupted. “I love _you_. Don’t even bother asking why.” 

“Why not?” Dan said, sitting up straight, back up like he got when he felt challenged.

“‘Cos I’m gonna tell you, stupid.” Phil pulled him down, all the way down, and climbed on top of him. 

“Phil—” 

“Nope,” Phil cut him off with a kiss. “There’s no stopping me now.” 

Dan let Phil take his hands, thinking he was going to pin them to the bed or something. Sex he could do; he’d be more than happy to steer this conversation toward fucking. Phil held Dan’s hands between his, though, and looked at Dan directly. Dan resisted the urge to crack a joke, or squirm away. Phil wanted this, and even though it was weird and uncomfortable for Dan, even if it was _about_ Dan, he did want to give Phil what Phil wanted. 

“You’ve a very big heart,” Phil said. “You’re scared of it, and so you make jokes or push people away or pretend you’re tougher than you are. And all of that...I love it even when you do it with me.” 

“I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan said. 

Phil shook his head. “Don’t. I know you don’t like...like I know there’s a big part of you that doesn’t _want_ to act that way with me. That you’re just getting used to...I dunno,” Phil shrugged. “Feeling safe, maybe?” 

Dan swallowed. “Phil, I do. Feel safe with you. It’s just...my stupid head—” 

“Don’t.” Phil kissed Dan’s forehead. “I love your head. It’s creative and weird and exciting.” 

“Exciting?” 

“Yeah. You’re really fucking smart Dan. I know you don’t think you are but...I have a different perspective, yeah?” 

Dan squeezed Phil’s hands then, hard. His eyes burned.

“Your ideas are exciting. You bring a lot to the things you do—even when we work together, I dunno...you make the things in my head even better—” 

“Phil.” Dan protested.

“No, Dan, really. I’m not saying that what I do isn’t good or whatever.” Phil looked away and then back. “I mean...our brains just _work_ together y’know? And that’s so cool. I love your mind.” 

“I love your mind, too,” Dan whispered. 

“Shh, this isn’t about how amazing I am,” Phil tried to wink. As always, it was an utter flop. Dan laughed helplessly. 

“I love how funny you are,” Phil continued. His cheeks were pink; Dan’s felt hot too. It was a lot, to hear this. It must be a lot for Phil to say it, in a way. “You were so happy to meet my family and like, you’re so...you’re different with them but it’s still you. I...I think there are a million Dan’s in here,” he tapped Dan’s chest, ”and I’m chuffed to meet them all.” 

“What if that’s just me pretending, Phil? You ever think that?” Dan said. 

“It’s all still _you_ though. When you’re scared so you act differently. That’s Dan who’s scared. It’s not fake, it’s just who you have to be to get through that thing. A thing?” Phil cocked his head. “The things?” 

“Don’t hurt yourself,” Dan said, poking Phil’s belly now that his hands were free. Phil squirmed, laughing, then trapped Dan’s hands again. “I thought you were the big brain one here.” 

“Big alien head does not equal big intelligence,” Phil said. He was nose to nose with Dan, smiling a big, stupid, sappy smile. Dan wanted to poke him again, to make Phil laugh, to shy away from the way Phil was looking at him. 

“You’re big intelligence,” Dan said, then closed his eyes at his own stupid mouth. 

“ _God_ ,” Phil whispered. 

“What?” 

“I really do love you, it’s so gross.” 

Dan licked his lips and blinked, telling his stupid eyes not to well up with tears. 

“It’s okay if sometimes you aren’t sure because you’re scared.” 

“I can be scared with you, right?” Dan forced himself to ask. 

“Yeah. Always,” Phil said. Dan leaned up, kissing Phil off center and awkward until Phil leaned into it with him. Phil’s hair was a little damp from his shower still, but soft, slipping through Dan’s fingers. Dan licked Phil’s lip, exhaling hard when Phil bit and then suckled. It was messy; aggressive but also sweet. Dan let Phil push him back into the bed, let Phil stretch out on top of him, begged Phil to put his full weight along every inch of his body. He was heavy; between the kissing and Phi’s weight it was hard to breathe. Dan’s cock, pretty much always interested in Phil, was nearly immediately aching and hard, pressed against Phl’s thigh so tightly it hurt. 

“Didn’t wanna,” Phil pulled away with a gasp, “Don’t wanna make this all about fucking, y’know?” 

Dan extracted his hands from Phil’s pj pants. “Sorry?” He wasn’t really sorry but he also didn’t want to upset Phil. 

“Don’t be stupid, litarally always touch my ass,” Phil said. He always smiled so _brightly_ when Dan laughed. “Like even if we’re fighting, go ahead and grab it.”

Dan giggled. He bit his lip to try to push down and keep it in. He wanted to kiss Phil’s whole dumb face, to stick his fingers in Phil’s mouth, right where his tongue would press against his teeth. Phil’s happiness was so _good_ it overwhelmed him. Dan felt almost feral, love like aggression, something rough that meant _I fucking love you so much, don’t ever stop being mine_ , or something equally sappy that his stupid brain-to-mouth lacking filtered self would surely say at some point. 

Dan tried to put off that embarrassment by putting his hands back on Phil’s ass, his skin hot and soft, his asscheeks heavy and full and gorgeous filling up Dan’s wide palms. 

“I just meant,” Phil said, lips wet, shiveringly good as they left damp patches on Dan’s neck and down toward Dan’s collarbone, “I don’t want this to be a thing where you think like, I love you because of sex, or like...you have to do this-”

“Phil, literally, shut up. I get it, you love me. Now fuck me with the lights on so I’m not thinking about creepy things that are gonna jump out and murder us to death while your dick is inside me.” 

Phil’s laugh was wild in a way it never got, not unless he was with Dan. 

And Dan knew that. He knew who Phil was when he was off camera. He knew who Phil was when he was on camera with Dan, just the two of them aching for each other in different towns through grainy video calls. He knew who Phil was when they were together, able to touch and wrestle and kiss and _be_.

He knew Phil wouldn’t lie to him. He knew Phil wanted him even without sex, and that Phil would want him even if there was never any sex. 

“Fuck, shit, stop,” Dan gasped. Phil’s head jerked up. Dan’s collarbone stung where Phil had been biting it. 

“ _Ohmygod_ , sorry-” Phil started to scramble off of him. 

“No, no!” Dan pulled him in by the hips so hard their hip bones mashed together painfully. “I just...I...I know, okay?”

“Wha..?”

“I know you love me, you dolt. You don’t have to like, keep proving it right now. You can just fuck me.” 

“Well, can I at least fuck you like I love you?” Phil said, all smirk and sass. Dan wanted to pinch that expression off of his face. So he did. 

“You can fuck me any way you want,” Dan said. 

Phil’s hands were under Dan’s shirt before the words were even all the way out. Dan forced him to sit back so he could strip Phil of his shirt too, then knocked him to the side so they could wiggle out of their pants. 

“All right then,” Phil said. Dan lay back down, grabbing at Phil’s arms to pull him back on top, only Phil wasn’t coming. His cheeks were going even more red. 

“What?” 

“I wanna do something, only, um. I’ve never done it?” 

Dan thought, hard, because he was pretty sure he knew everything about Phil’s sex life thus far and he could not think of an item on a checklist—if one were to have a checklist—Phil couldn’t cross out. Still, knowing Phil, he probably had items on his sex checklist that included things like _Have sex with someone I love_. If Dan were to make a similar list it would include that, but also weird shit like, _Have sex without freaking out._

Which was something he was _not_ going to think about now. Besides, he’d done that one with Phil lots already anyway.

“I have no idea—” Dan stopped, biting his lip as Phil climbed between his legs and ran hot palms up the insides of Dan’s thighs, spreading his legs. “You’re gonna blow me? That’s—” 

“No.” Phil kissed Dan’s knee. “Would you put that pillow under your ass?” 

“All right?” Dan did, still clueless but willing to see where Phil was taking this. 

He pushed a pillow beneath his ass, then bunched the other behind his head to help him see. Whatever Phil was planning, Dan was pretty sure he’d want it firmly in the memory bank. Dan smiled, making sure to catch Phil’s gaze. Phil, so pretty in the yellow lamplight with wild post shower hair and red patches cheeks...Phil was _his_ and Dan wanted to ruin him. Dan’s cock throbbed, a bead of precome welling from the tip. Phil kissed the inside of Dan’s thigh, high up near where it met his pelvis. His hands slid under Dan’s ass, awkward but without hesitation. He bit Dan’s thigh, a little lower this time, then hesitated. Dan wanted to make a joke, to spur Phil into blowing him already—he didn’t need need the build up or the drama of it all, it wasn’t like—

 _Fuck, holy-shitballing fuck_. 

Dan groaned and flopped back, covering his eyes when Phil spread his asscheeks and kissed between them. Not _there,_ but close enough to make Dan’s belly coil tight and hot, for Dan to know now what he meant. 

“Is this—” 

“—yes,” Dan said without hesitation. He couldn’t open his eyes, or look at Phil again, not _now_. He’d never really thought of doing this, not in a kind of real life, this is a thing people do, way. It was...pronographic, honestly. Not like going down on a girl or blowing a stranger at a party or even blowing Phil, with whom he was able to draw it out so long it hurt, which Dan totally loved. 

“Hold your legs back, maybe,” Phil said, so quietly Dan could barely hear him over the excited, nervous pounding of his heart. Dan hooked his hands behind his knees. He knew how he looked: exposed and all too willing. He squirmed into the feeling that image brought to mind, then bit his lip around a small cry when Phil licked up from the stop of his crack over his hole, skirting delicately over Dan’s balls. 

“Please don’t be quiet,” Phil said. “I wanna know how you feel, like, if I’m doing it wrong.” 

“Phil, honestly, I don’t think you can do this one wrong,” Dan said around a laugh. Even with the most fleeting touch, Dan knew, _knew,_ how much he was going to like this. He liked the idea, he loved the way all the sensitive nerves around the rim lit up at the smallest touch. He felt slutty in a way he never had with Phil, really. Slutty in this burning, twisting, dirty-good way. 

“Yeah?” Phil’s thumb teased this hole, a touch that was usually so good, a precursor to being fingered or fucked. Now instead of precursor it was a tease; Dan was impatient and horny to the point of pain. God, it felt like even his brain was turned on. 

“Put your mouth on my arsehole already, you idiot,” Dan ground out. 

With a small laugh, Phil did. 

Dan didn’t have to be told to be quiet again—he doubted he could have been if asked. Phil’s mouth on him was some kind of body altering revelation. He spread Dan’s cheeks more, sucked at Dan’s hole, then licked, alternating hard, probling movement with soft, teasing ones that lit up Dan’s nerves and sent shivers like fire through his whole body. Dan was shaking and sweating, spreading himself out shamelessly and arching into Phil’s touch. He cried out when Phil managed, _holy fuck_ , to get his tongue _inside_. It was so different from a finger, like a soft memory of touch but a new, filthier, very real moment. 

“Phil,” Dan said. He let go of one of his legs, fingers raking through Phil’s hair, “That feels, oh my god, I don’t even...Please don’t stop.” 

“I won’t,” Phil said, completely contradicting himself, seeing as his mouth was, tragically, no longer eating Dan out. Instead he was sliding a finger inside Dan _so easily_ it took Dan’s breath away. Dan loved being fucked, and he loved being fingered, and well now, basically he’d learned he liked anything involving his ass. But it had never been this easy; Dan felt soft and open and like his body was sucking Phil’s finger in, rather than Phil pushing his way in. Dan groaned. Phil went back to licking all around his rim like he was starving for it. There was pressure suddenly, as if Phil was opening him by pressing down on his asshole and then, _shit_ , there was his tongue _and_ his finger inside Dan. 

“More,” Dan whimpered.

“More what?” Phil said, mouth wet and breath hot against Dan’s sweat tacky skin. 

“I don’t know,” Dan said. He could cry from this, how good it felt, how it lit him up all through his bones, how he felt shameless about needing something, _anything_. Phil pushed a second finger in, still meeting almost no resistance. His cheek was pressed against Dan’s thigh, eyes rapt. He crooked his fingers, pulling them out slowly until Dan arched and cried out. 

“Touch yourself,” Phil said, voice sex-low how it got when they were both really _in_ it. Dan, who was nothing more than a mess of pleasure crackling nerves, obeyed, fist tight around his cock, pulling at it desperately. Phil tapped his fingers against Dan’s prostate, gentle but steady until Dan asked for more. 

Obediently, Phil did. They traded requests and orders seamlessly until Dan was arching and coming so hard he shot all the way up to his neck. Even after he came, Phil didn’t stop, massaging Dan’s prostate firmly, keeping him suspended in a state of aftershock, of pleasure-pain, of too much and not enough. He couldn’t come again—the thought alone made Dan ache—but that wasn’t Phil’s goal. Phil, sex-drunk like he got, just never wanted to stop. Dan didn’t know if it was a him thing or just how Phil always was with sex, and he wasn’t about to ask, but he had learned by now to just enjoy it until his body told him enough was enough. 

“C’mere,” Dan said, voice slurred in his post-orgam haze. He scooted down the bed. His ass was wet with spit and his stomach and chest tacky with come. The thrill of feeling completely used coursed through him. What’s more, he was _greedy_ for that feeling. Even fucked out as he was, he wanted more. 

“What d’you want?” Phil asked, crawling up Dan’s body until they were mouth to mouth. Phil’s lips were wet and maybe it was gross but it really, really wasn’t. It was a thing Dan didn’t think he’d ever want to share with someone else. 

“Fuck my face,” Dan said. They’d never done that; Dan hadn’t even really told Phil how much he fantasized about it. 

“Dan I—we—” 

“Just try. We’ll figure it out. I really want you to.” Dan used his hands, cupping Phil’s ass to coax him up until Phil’s dick, which was literally dripping with precome, was face level with him. Phil put his hands on the wall, shifting to straddle more comfortably. 

“Don’t ask if I’m sure,” Dan said firmly. “Just use me any way you need, okay?” His belly tightened. He wondered if Phil knew just how much Dan wanted to be used; Dan was only beginning to understand it himself. He’d been used before—let himself be used once or twice—but never like this. Never wanting it burning low in his belly, desperately hungry, dazed in love with the idea of it. 

Dan licked the tip of Phil’s dick; Phil’s precome was strong, a taste that would linger for a while. “Come on my face, okay?” 

“Dan,” Phil groaned, using his hand to rub the tip of his cock along Dan’s lips. “I won’t last.” 

“So?” Dan let his fingers slip between Phil’s cheeks. Phil gasped. “You can do it again tomorrow, and the day after, and every time you see me.” 

“That seems a bit much—” Phil stopped speaking abruptly, as Dan hopped he would, when Dan tilted his head to take as much of Phil’s cock as he could into his mouth. At this angle, it wasn’t much, but Phil, smart lad, knew when to shut up. 

It was messy: slow at first, and Dan gagged a lot—like a lot—but once Phil was going, he didn’t stop. He’d give Dan a moment to breathe before pushing back in, testing how much Dan could take. Dan tested himself too; let his guard down, made himself stop thinking and thinking and thinking if this was good, if Phil was pleased, if Dan was enough. 

Instead, he let himself be. He let Phil do what he needed, floating in the safety of being nothing but a tool for Phil’s pleasure, trusting that Phil wouldn’t hurt him. By the time Phil was pulling out, coming all over his face with a grunt and a laugh, rubbing the underside of his dick against Dan’s cheek, Dan was both in and outside of his body. He couldn’t have said if the whole thing had lasted seconds or days. 

Phil, obviously more with it than he, wiped Dan’s face with a pair of pants he’d gotten from the floor. Really it just smeared things around a bit, but Dan was too blissed out to care. 

“Will you kiss me?” Dan whispered once Phil was settling in next to him. He wasn’t sure what he meant or why he asked, but Phil didn’t press him about it. He kissed Dan very gently, pulling away with eyes closed and a soft smile on his face. Dan needed a shower again; he was a right mess of bodily fluids, but his whole body was so relaxed he couldn’t gather the energy to move, not even to wrap Phil up in a hug like they so often did after sex. 

“Again?” Dan said.

“Shut up, stupid,” Phil said, words sex-slurred. “Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to Puddle for the vibe check and for the encouragement. 
> 
> If you liked, reblogs on [tumblr](https://judearaya.tumblr.com/post/637759274425204736) are very appreciated.


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